Shannon's Story: Demystifying DPDR and Finding Your Keys
It feels strange to say that just two years ago, I had never even heard of Depersonalisation and Derealisation Disorder. When I first mention it to my friends and family, I’m almost always met with “Hmm, I’ve never heard of that”.
I know how acutely unsettling it can be to navigate DPDR in the early months and years. So I’m writing this particularly for those who have recently begun experiencing this disorder in the hopes that it brings comfort and hope.
My DPDR symptoms started about 18 months ago, most heavily triggered by anxiety. Although I hadn’t considered myself an anxious adult, changes in my personal circumstances revealed layers within myself I had never seen before. An international move, hardship at work, the end of a relationship, and navigating a post pandemic world proved too much for my body and mind to take.
When I first began to experience DPDR, I would refer to it as “the fog.” Reality was not only visibly blurred but also mentally slowed. My surroundings felt dreamlike but my headspace was nightmarish. I remember walking around my neighborhood thinking, “thank god I know these streets well, otherwise I might get lost”.
For the first several months, I struggled trying to figure out the cause. Did I need glasses? Was it covid induced brain fog? I eventually became worried I was suffering from something more severe. I had myself tested for every possible illness, only to later be diagnosed with DPDR.
Upon diagnosis, I took comfort in learning DPDR can’t actually hurt you. In fact, it is trying to protect you. It was described to me as an “airbag” for your brain, attempting to insulate you from severe stress.
While that was a positive, I still wanted to learn how to better manage my symptoms. I describe the three learnings below as “my keys”, a term my best friend coined as she helped me on the road to recovery. They all helped me view DPDR not as an enigmatic disorder, but as something I can live with and stand beside.
Lean into movement - Fitness and sports have always been a big part of my life, and I can honestly say they’ve been a saving grace when it comes to this condition. My “fog” hits heaviest in the morning, so I started going to the gym soon after waking up. About half way through my workout, I often notice that the fog has lifted. Intense physical exertion demands mental silence, which is the best way to put the nervous system at ease. I’ve also relied heavily on yoga, somatic practices, and breath work. This will look different for everyone, but try to find your outlet for movement.
Talk about it - What relief this gave me. I used to avoid social gatherings for fear that an episode would occur while I was out. But the moment I started educating friends and family about my DPDR, I felt like I got my life back. The amount of grace and support I received was overwhelming. I started to tell myself, “even if this does happen when I’m with others, those I’ve confided in will understand and help.” In fact, I even started to feel comfortable making light of it with those I’m closest with, saying “the damn fog is back!” Those that allowed me space to talk about it freely have kept me going.
Trust yourself - Even when the disorientation is at its peak, my body’s autopilot setting has a way of helping me out. To my surprise, many people don’t even notice when I’m having an episode. As tough as it sometimes is, try to hold yourself back from the “second wave” of anxiety that can surge when it hits. Don’t allow it that power over you. It will pass and you can trust your body to guide you through.
Even now, months after diagnosis, I am still learning about DPDR and all the intricacies that come along with it. But I feel really proud to have come this far.
I hope my story serves as one of your “keys” in demystifying this condition and finding the peace you so, so deserve.
Shannon x