Olena’s Story: “Your Brain Is Growing”
In my head, I have rolled around what I would write in an Unreal Blog submission many times. I could write pages and pages about the details of the experience, but I have decided to settle on what helped me feel better and how I learned to cope with the symptoms.
I have had episodes of derealization as long as I can remember. As a child, I would walk to school and everything would be "different". I can't explain it, but I know that many of you reading understand the feeling. It didn't scare me. I didn't know what would trigger it and after a few hours or by the next day it would pass. These episodes were on and off until my teen years. It would trigger if I was overtired, up too late and of course in a florescent lit room at night. The strongest memory I have is being at a mall with my parents where there were RV's (Caravans for you across the pond) on display. My mother and I were looking around inside one when suddenly the wave came over me very strongly. I remember turning to my mother and asking why everything felt like a dream. I was brought to my father for an explanation as to what was happening, and he deduced that the symptoms were because my brain was "growing". I accepted that theory for many years and perhaps that is why I wasn't frightened when it happened.
After about the age of 20 or so the feelings of derealization went away for a LONG time. It was going to take extreme life circumstances to bring things back with a wallop, and in July of 2021 that wallop clubbed me over the head and took me down.
I have read about how genetic disposition (my family tree is rife with anxiety and OCD) and life circumstances can trigger a mental illness, and I am pretty sure that is what happened to me in 2021. I won't go into detail but there was a perfect storm that swirled around me - COVID, my mother died, menopause, poor sleep, fell down the stairs, health anxiety, ruminative OCD. It was like a pack of dominoes falling and my brain had to pull me back from the world.
What followed were two and half dark and desperate years where each day I just had to try and focus on getting through the day and somehow manage to keep the leap of faith. I was detached from the world 24/7 and I felt like an alien on an alien planet. The obsessive thought patterns were keeping me from moving forward, so once they found the right medication and dosage, I was able to learn how to be a new me without so much fear and compulsion.
Now, getting to what really helped me, it was the psychotherapy. It was so hard in the beginning, and I really didn't believe it could work. I stuck with it though. No matter how bad I felt, no matter how much I wished I could just give up and be put out of my misery, I kept the flame of the leap of faith. I studied CBT, DBT and Mindfulness, and attended all my sessions and practised non-stop. I would say after about two years my constant focus on how the familiar felt alien and the world was menacing (even the trees and the sky and the sound of birds) started to drop away. I was able to focus on tasks like gardening and painting (whatever) and not be stuck inside my head (in the bubble, in the back of the tunnel). At first it was torture, and I felt awful, but over time I was able to retrain my neurons to focus outwards without fear.
Do I still get waves of derealization? Oh yeah. I have accepted it will always be a part of my life as it was when I was a child. Do I pay attention to it and let it scare me? No way! I really have reached the point where I can sit on the riverbank and watch it float by and say, "oh there it is". Sometimes I can even get curious and observe the qualities of it and explore it without being attached to it.
I never thought I would get here and so desperately wanted the "old me" back. Part of the process was letting that desire go. I am different now. I am much stronger and resilient now. I am a person who lives with DPDR and it's OK. My brain has grown!
