Joe's Story: Mental Health During The Holidays

*Trigger warning: contains mentions of depression & worsening mental health

December is a strange month to live through.  Any vague stability & familiarity we’ve known for the previous year seems to vanish as soon as the first serrated window on the advent calendar bites the dust.

I for one find December to consistently be my least favourite month of the year, and it’s a time when both my DPDR and depression get substantially worse.  It’s partly because I have my birthday, Christmas, and New Year all within 13 days – and that’s a lot to juggle by anybody’s standards.  But I’m far from being alone as somebody who suffers more with their mental health whilst enduring the festivities.

As the year draws to a close, this period becomes a natural time of reflection.  But as anybody who’s been through any degree of psychological therapy will tell you, ruminating on our thoughts when we’re unhappy with our lives & are already finding it difficult to stay afloat can be a dangerous practice.  Personally, my whole mood tends to collapse at this time of year.

There’s a huge amount of pressure.  I always sense an unspoken rule that you MUST enjoy the festive season – and if you’re not a fan, you’re a Scrooge at best; and a “there’s something wrong with you” at worst.  There’s a mandatory fun element that I find very unpleasant.  We’re all different as people, so why should we all be expected to love one thing unconditionally?

Then, there’s the financial obligations that don’t often get spoken about amongst friends, yet most definitely feel.  Work parties are expensive (and one must buy a suitably sequinned outfit); we set ourselves a monetary floor for people’s gifts to avoid there being an imbalance against what we might receive from them; the countless books of stamps needed to send Christmas cards goes up every year; Christmas lunch always finds a way of tripling its budget....and the list goes on.

We’re also told that Christmas is a time for family.  But let’s not forget that for many, family can be a huge factor in our stresses, traumas & anxieties – historic and present – and having to spend extra time with those who might have a damaging impact on us isn’t necessarily a positive.  Couple that with already-higher stress levels & our tendency to drink a bit more over the holidays, and it’s no surprise that arguments are far from uncommon.

Coping with the stresses of the season isn’t easy, and dealing with it all on top of everything else in our lives - living with mental health struggles in particular - can quickly overwhelm us and cause headspaces to spiral. Especially, the demands to be sociable when we might be feeling anything but.

Removing as many stressors as possible has been my most important coping strategy.  I refuse to set myself New Year’s resolutions – I find them unnecessary, and I’ve previously felt horrible when I’ve failed to keep to them.  I don’t send Christmas cards – I’d rather talk with my friends directly than send disingenuous, “must see you in the new year” messages.  I’ve recognised that too much time sitting around isn’t good for me – so I always give myself practical tasks to do over Christmas to distract myself.

With gifts, I really believe that it’s so much better to give something thoughtful than expensive.  And – nobody should ever expect you to put yourself into financial difficulty purely to participate.  Granted, it might be a slightly different conversation if you have children & they’ve got their heart set on the newest gadget, but overall I’ve found people to be very compassionate & understanding when they know you’re trying to do your best to make them feel special whilst also living within your means.

I also think it’s vital to know your own limits when it comes to social events.  Whenever I’m really struggling, there’s nothing worse for me than being surrounded by happy people celebrating – so excusing myself from those situations has often been the best thing to do.  Of course, total isolation is never the aim; but sometimes leaving the Christmas party before the dancing has been the necessary thing.

Overall then, I think my general message is to be honest with people about how you might be feeling.  If you’re not feeling up to going out with your friends, talk to them about it.  If money is tight, don’t feel pressured into living in the red.  Shopping for a single meal should only run into triple-figures if you want it to. And crucially - understand that whilst many people do take a huge amount of joy from the festive period, it’s absolutely ok if somebody else does not, or if you are not one of them.