Lottie’s Story: Learning to Accept DPDR
‘’You know that moment when you have drunk a bit too much and don’t feel in control of your actions anymore? That’s how I feel quite often even when I haven’t been drinking. Sometimes it makes me brave and I can do lots of things I might have been too scared to do otherwise; but sometimes it makes me feel like I’m not in control of my own body. It can make it difficult to recognise myself and the people around me.’’.
A few years ago, I would have given a much less measured explanation: one with frustration; longing for the world I no longer felt I could touch. Or, I would have just said I was tired!
The condition is not a curse. But it is a different way of the relating to the world that- I admit- at times can feel perfectly heart-breaking, but it can also allow the opportunity to be fearless and gain a perspective others can’t. I realised how unique our perspective is some months ago: I was stood, gloved hands full of leaves picked up from the streets of Paris. I was noticing raindrops I could feel through the wool- they were cold and real. My friend caught me examining the leaves and smiled. Her smile was reminiscent of a mother smiling at her toddler who is difficult but adorable. My need to take a more conscious interest in the present leads me to notice what others don’t.
It can feel infantilising the way I need to look after myself when I am dissociated- reminders to shower, eat, see friends. But it is not useful to feel frustrated and I’ve developed a toolbox for difficult days that may seem queer to the outside: photos have been a really important tool; I cover up the mirrors if the reflection is feeling particularly foreign; and remind myself to see the friends who know me well and remind me of who I want to be.
I never intended for DPDR to become a character trait, but some days it feels as though it is the only thing that I recognise about myself. I often wonder if it was DPDR-fuelled obsession with metaphysics that led me towards quantum mechanics and ultimately doing a chemistry degree. Obsessing over DPDR was destructive and led me down a spiral of believing nothing was real.
Most of the time I now let the world carry me around – meditation has helped immensely to sit with the feelings rather than fight them. There are still days that are difficult- especially when there are big life events that I am struggling to process. However, most days I work hard to see it as just part of my sensory experience of the world- the Buddha did say the mind was the 6th sense.
’Balloon’ drawing used with kind permission of Lottie’s friend Izzy.